Why Can’t I Just Be Good Enough?…..
I’ve never “fit” in my geographic location, the Hills District, it has never been somewhere i could genuinely call home. I see it more as a resting zone on an extremely, infuriating, close to unbearable long drive. I’m just longing for my destination, when i’m free from the captivity of the car. I have never had a sense of belonging within my community. Everyone is an alien here, from the soccer mums with strict diets who resemble ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’, the sexist father figures holding a 6 pack of beer, the prime and proper girls with judgmental facial expressions and the insensitive boys who just seem to get away with everything.
The Hills district is wealthier than most of Western Sydney, to be specific, I’m from Rouse Hill. Over here, everyone is critical and “perfect”. There’s no room for flaws here, if you have flaws you’re bullied most of your life, like me. It’s the constant cycle of hearing what people scream and comment during school, you’d think coming home would be an escape but it’s all over my screens. I just want to throw my phone across the room and scream into a pillow. The reality is I can’t, why not? As a boy, I can’t have feelings ,insecurities, as that makes me a feminine/homosexual, sensitive, weak, slender man, sickly as it’s all over the comments on social platforms.
I could hear the footsteps of someone coming to my room, I quickly shut my journal and discontinued writing, turned my body to the door. It was my closest friend, Elena, standing with a huge smile as always. She’s my safe spot, people think were dating just because were opposite genders but she's been my childhood best friend, we share our stories between our breaks at High School. However, she does that frequently, she walks in unexpectedly as she has keys to my house. The only issue I have with this, is if she walks into me staring at my body in the mirror for hours on end. I’m a guy, it is different. She encourages me to eat although I say “i’m not hungry its fine”, she manages to believe that every time.
The night before, 12:48am, I found myself scrolling endlessly through my instagram feed. Analysing guys from my school posting pictures of their new jerseys for this semesters basketball game. The similarities had me speechless, broad shoulders, muscular arms, wide thighs and tall. I look nothing like that. I’m not the ideal body type, I’m skinny, lanky, shorter, weird shaped, just awful to look at, I’m turning 18 next month and I’m not even a man. I’m just not good enough.
“Elena, for the love of god! Do not take another bite, do you have any idea what the consequences are!”. As my well toned mother was nagging at me not to finish my chocolate cupcake whilst participating in her daily zumba class, I disassociated and started to think about how I’ll surprise Eric today. On my drive to Eric’s place, I acted like my mothers words meant nothing and brushed it off. Little does she know I typed the amount of calories the cupcake I binged on had in my calorie list . Little does she know, I cried myself to sleep last night comparing myself to girls from my High School’s facebook pictures. When I feel down about not being the average looking girl and being overweight, I turn to my best friend Eric. He’s so confident, it’s like he has all the control in the world, when I’m around him I forget that I look different due to his self-assured aura. He tell’s me to be proud of who I am. However I’m fat. I can’t escape it, the pressure to look a certain way is implemented within the TV shows and movies I used to watch, celeb posts on social media, magazines with “fast, quick diets”.
When I go Rouse Hill Town Centre, the local shopping location, I get stared down by everyone. They all look the same here, petite, small and skinny. I can hear all the sly comments girls make when I walk pass them, when I stand up in assembly I hear the giggles and words. Appearance doesn't define me yet is the first to speak in the room before I even open my mouth.
After I surprised Eric, we both went to school together. “Attention all students! make your way to the hall after lunch”. I looked at Eric with a look of curiosity he reciprocated the same energy. “Mmm most likely a boring announcement” Eric mumbled. We had no idea what life changing experience we were about to encounter.
This video was played in front of all our parents, teachers, and 800 students. Mr Brown and Mrs Jenna were visitors to our assembly, activists who were here to present a live TED talk. As we first walked in large posters were on the stage, piles of stickers on two tables and two mics on stage. After they played this clip, I had chills, I looked over at Elena and she had tears in her eyes. I’ve never seen anything like this, being sheltered in a judgemental community for 18 years. I’ve never came across anything either than photoshop and perfect lives on social media. I was shook.
These images were displayed on the big screen. Mr Brown and Mrs Jenna discussed the reality of social media, societal expectations, how to cope with overwhelming feelings of self doubt and how I’m not the only one. I looked over at Eric, the look on his face was like he related and it moved him. I understood, he too, experienced the same thing as me but never felt like he could express it. We felt relief, we had support, it was like a lifetime of burden was just released off our shoulders. We are free now.